I'm going to disable this blog after this post because bruh, 9 years ago me was hella cringe.
Current me is also cringe, but I mean, what can you do, right? 

WHAT UP WORLD 9 YEARS LATER, it's ya girl, Kayla. FROM THE FUTURE WOWEEEEE

You've seen the before, now here's the after update:

I went on a mission to North Carolina.

Came home, went to college in Idaho, got a BA in graphic design.

Now I'm chillin' in Orem, Utah. Still got me some roomies, working a big girl job at an ad agency.

Left the church last June (YEET).

Now I do drugs, I'm an alcoholic, and I'm in a thruple. 

I'm kidding, btw.
Not about leaving the church but I ain't no pothead yet. *thumbs up*
And no relationship either. I think I mentioned like...10 years ago that I probably wouldn't get married until after I turned 28? You'll be proud to know I'm still on track! :D WOW AHAHAHA
Serious relationships are for goofy goobers, and I'll die on that hill.

Uh, that's basically it. Being an adult for some time now is different, and has its perks and crappy moments. But that's life, my guy. That's how it be. 


OKAY BYEEEEEEEEEE

{TESTIMONY}

A lot has happened since the last time I posted, and I'd have to say it has been for the better.
I've graduated high school, I have two jobs, and I am doing my best to prepare for a mission.

The feelings I have had for the past couple months are indescribable.  The only way I can put it is that I am in no way really prepared to serve a mission, but it's the greatest thing I desire in my life at the moment.
I've never felt this much passion for anything in my life. It's a different feeling for when you are excited to go to Disneyland or you're waiting for a school break to come.
Going on a mission is the biggest desire I currently have, and not being able to go right now is literally killing me.

I feel that there is a HUGE dramatic change in my life because of all the positive energy I am getting from being a Latter-Day Saint. Two of my best friends have received their mission call, Facebook is either swamped with other girls my age getting their call or mission pictures from those already out, and we just had general conference which has resulted in a huge expansion of  "I'm a Mormon" ads and the "Meet the Mormons" movie has just come out. The earth is being flooded with the good gospel and with exciting news.

And the hardest part is that I'm not part of what I want to be a part of, if that makes sense. I WANT TO BE OUT. If you could see these tears that have splattered all over my keyboard just now, you'd see how bad I want to serve a mission. I want to get my call. I want to go to the temple. I want to be able to pin my tag to my shirt and sling my handbag across me that is full of papers, notes, pamphlets and Books of Mormons. I want to wake up with my companion and study. I want to meet new people. I KNOW it's not going to be easy because Satan doesn't want me to go, but the Lord does and I have every desire of serving a mission.

I just want to go.
I've wanted to go for 16 years.
I want to be Sister Higgins.
I'm doing what I can to continue to remain worthy, and I've prayed and prayed and prayed to Heavenly Father about it and and I can tell you that I NEED to go.
There are people out there I NEED to meet.
I cannot convert anyone. I don't plan on converting everyone or anyone because I can't.
But I CAN do what I CAN to help others feel the Spirit, because only the Spirit has the power of conversion to help others feel of the truth of this gospel as I have in my life.

I'm 18 years old, almost 19.
I'm working two jobs solely for my mission.
I procrastinate, I'm lazy, and I'm your typical teen in every way, except for the fact that I know The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. Every fiber in my body is tingling this very moment with MY sure testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. I WANT TO SERVE A MISSION. I WANT TO SERVE A MISSION. I NEED TO SERVE A MISSION.

Again, this church is true. I guarantee it. I promise it. I'd lay my life down this very moment for it. I am a Mormon, a daughter of god, and a future missionary, and I say these things in His name, amen.

{maybe one day, but not now}

Oh yeah, if you couldn't tell by my last post, I had some decisions to make.
Here they are, plain and true:
I'm not going to college this fall.
I'm turning in my mission papers in November.
I'm working my butt off this summer with work for $$
And I've changed my ways and am a better person.

Oh, and I'm going to travel the world.
But you already knew that, huh? ;)
oh well, that will have to wait.
I have some other things I need to take care of first.
Maybe one day I will get to travel,
but not right now.

{put me in the ring, boss}

I looked back at all my posts in 11th grade and just laughed because I though I was busy and stressed back then with "first world problem" stress.

Omg, if I only knew how stressed out I would be now I wouldn't have said anything.

For most people, it's going to college and then graduating, all the while finding your true love and getting married and sailing away on the ship of happily ever after.

That's not the case for me, because that's not how I am.

And because that's not how I am, I'm doing things differently. Almost in a taboo way.
And I'm terrified.
Because my plan doesn't include college until a little while, at least. And my plan doesn't include getting married until I'm 28 or something because getting married or being in a relationship is something I don't want to be in for a very, VERY long time.
(my mom told me I have an ice, cold heart. Heck yeah I do)
My plan will cost those around me to judge me and see me for something different--a failure, even.
I might even hurt some people with this decicion.
But this won't stop me.
But I don't give up that easily.
I will be happy.
I will go out in the world.
And I'm not going without a fight.
Because I KNOW I can make it.

{seriously}

*throws head back and laughs*
ahahahahaaaa!!!
*snaps head forward with a leering scowl*
.........

you're fake,
and I don't like you.

{post 100}

If I could tell you what my greatest passion and goal in life is,
I would tell you in an instant:
travel and be rich.

Now I know what you're thinking:
"You conceded little >>>"
And maybe I am that way at first,
but would you like to know why?

Since I was a little girl, I've wanted to see the places I've read about.
I want to travel all over, walk down every trail, and create my own stories for my own books.
I want to go places I've studied, and be awed and amazed at how much larger things are in person.
I want to eat new foods, see new cultures, and meet tons and tons of new people and to glimpse into their lifestyles.
I am a single person who is living on Earth, and I want to actually travel it.
Explore.
Go on too many yet not enough adventures.
These trips and tales I will create will generate and pulse through me like a living book just waiting to be read.
I will feel free and open and self-educated and self-inspired.
I want to travel so bad, and I will someday. I will make it happen. I will.

And to be rich.
That is sort of a sticky term in my opinion, but it's a word as some of you might perceive.
This is my term I use: financially stable.
If I could wish for one thing, it would be to never have to worry about money.
I would always know that there would be enough and a little extra.
If I could be wealthy and rich, the first thing I would do is make sure my family is okay.
Each one of my sisters would have my support. My mom and dad would have my support.
I wouldn't question it for a moment.
I know some would say, "You say this now until it actually happens. Then you'll forget."
It wouldn't happen. It's in my nature. Its a truth I found in myself that runs in my blood.
I would try to make as many people happy as I can.
Like, if I walked into a hospital and found a woman crying over her bills, I'd give her $10,000 dollars to help pay for her husbands chemotherapy sessions and I'd talk and cry with her. Kind of like Ellen DeGeneres.
Do you see now what I mean when I say I want to be "rich"/ financially stable? I would never want the use of money only for the reasons of personal splendor and selfishness. The only thing I'd want for myself is a large house for secret passages, a movie room because I love movies, and a big enough library to hold my vast collection of favorite books. Oh, and for travel. :)

I am a good person.
I may not be the smartest, but I am good.
And that's all I care about at the moment.

{wait, hold on}

yes. I'm working on it. give me some time.