This morning, a kid at my school decided that this was enough.
He had enough of his life, and decided to end it.
End it without a sound, but with a million thoughts,
all pushed back into the corners of his mind.

And forgot his family.
His friends,
His neighbors,
and those who loved him.
Who needed him.
Who cared for him.
He forgot his reason why.
Why he should stay here,
why he should be here.
why he should live.
Reasons that weren't enough.
Reasons that couldn't push him through.

And so he gave up.
Leaving only memories,
and a broken family,
broken friends,
broken neighbors,
broken people.
People, he might have not even known
but would effect with his sudden tragedy.

Torn apart by the cruelty of this world, he'd had enough.
Keeping it deeply in him mind, he'd had enough.
Walking daily, saying to himself, I've had enough.
Only thinking of how he could end his overwhelming feelings,
not thinking of how it would begin others emotional traumas.

How cruel this world can be.
Making people hate themselves.
Hate others.
Hate everything.
Wondering how to get rid of their problems.
How to end their pain
their sickness,
their losses.

How cruel we treat each other into hating ourselves and wishing we were dead.
Thinking no one cares enough if I'm here, so I might as well go.
Forever.

How cruel we are to ourselves.
Thinking that the problems and emotional stress of the world that get laced in our thoughts
can only mean that we are not strong enough.
That we are not brave enough.
That we cannot hold on.

YOLO, a statement that you only live once for fun for one person,
and you only live once for another.
But as people, we have the power to change people.
To uplift others.
To bring others up from the very lowest of lows.
We have the power to posses inner hope for others that are crying out for peace.
We have the power to keep a life here, on this solid ground, and to keep on living.

For ourselves, we have an inner power to look up
and see that there is in fact a sun behind those clouds.
That our mortal trials are yes, hard, but they are POSSIBLE.
WE HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE TO KEEP GOING...
...even when it seems unfair,
hopeless,
or even painful.

Please, I am begging. Don't look at your life as something to end because you are hurt,
in pain,
or suffering.
You have people who care for you. Who love you. Who would die for you.
Who want to HELP you.
Go to them, for they WILL help you.
Just as you would help someone in the very same position.

That's all I'm asking.
To watch out for others, and to watch yourself.

{drowning}

I haven't had a stress free week in 4 weeks.

Now, when I talk about stress, I mean the life crisis ones.
Not like, 'do I have homework or not tomorrow' kind of stress.
Its like the 'should I do the MA program? What will I do when I have to turn in my mission papers? How am I going to get a job this summer? Can I possibly do better this weekend on the ACT? How am I going to afford all this? Will this fit into my schedule for the long run? How can I get this critical appointment in? Does anyone have a gun they want to shoot me with' stress.
Yup. Those are just a few.
The sad part is, it's been affecting my sleep lately.
Usually I have a nice brain that stuffs it all away until morning.
But for the past while, it hasn't been. These thoughts swim in my head, and I have panic attacks.
Plus an occasional meltdown.
And they still won't go away.
I pray for peace and comfort, and it sort of helps, but it's still there like a tattoo imprinted in the center of my brain.
Even spring break couldn't keep away the anxiety attacks.

"In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter?"
It matters a lot.

{using time wisely}

It's spring break?
Really?
Well, I better catch up on my sleep!
Clean my room!
Do some homework!
Go and be social!

..............

nah, I'm gonna go play Zelda.

{claustrophobic}

Have I ever told you, I can get claustrophobic?

Claustrophobia:
an abnormal fear of being closed in or being in a confined space.
thank you Dictionary.com

But, I'm not that claustrophobia that you're thinking of.
Its of a different kind.
A kind where life is closing in,
and I can't go anywhere.
I get agitated, and then anxiety settles in.
I'm staying in the same motion of life,
never moving, barely breathing,
walking day in and day out as a mechanical robot.

You know what cures my, so it may seem, life claustrophobia?

Freedom,
excitement,
relaxation,
no worries.
Things that take me away from the boringly, depressing routine of my everyday life.
Things that set me as free as a bird, balloon, airplane.
But, as it seems, I'm rarely getting any dosage of the antidote.
I'm having a hard time breathing in another day,
and when I exhale, that day is gone.
Inhale,
exhale,
everyday.

maybe my wishes on stars and 11:11 will come true this week,
or next since it will be spring break.
Just maybe,
because sooner or later,
I will need a break from breathing.

  

{test}

Dear Kayla:

Heard you've had some stress lately. Little birdie going around
saying that school's a total fail and that I sucks right now

Here, take this ACT.
Hope it makes you feel better.
;)
Love,
Life

P.s.: good luck trying to find a job.
Looks like your having a hard time with that too.
Too bad I don't care.

{technical difficulties}

So for the last couple of weeks? Months? Eh, whatever.
For awhile, to those who have been reading my posts and commenting on them.
I thank you so very much!
They are all so heartwarming, and I love it when I get feedback and comments.
The only problem??
I can't type back...

What????

I've been trying to type responses back, but for some reason my computer won't let me.
Trust me my friends, I've tried everything.
So it would just tickle me pink if you continue commenting or writing little notes on my blog.
It really does make me want to keep writing. :)
But I apologize that I don't reply.
Just imagine some sarcastic, sweet and loving remark that I would say back to you. Okay?
Thanks! I love you all!

{slightly awkward}

There is a guy who I really don't like.

But I used to like.

But now I don't.

Make sense?

But there are still those awkward moments:

eye contact that was SOO not intentional,

passing by the person,

seeing the person coming down the hallway so you quickly whip out your phone and pretend like your texting someone really important.

Yeah, I admit I do that. Whatever.

But today, as I was walking to my fourth period class with my friends,

I can see him standing next to a locker.

And he was on my side of the lane.

So I start hitting my friends hand to get her attention.

She sees him and, suddenly, whips me around to her other side so I don't have to walk past him.

When I was pulled to the other side of her, a huge group of people come through and pushed my friend, who  pushed me, and that sent me into a locker: total body slam. 

And being my clumsy self, I slam into the locker and almost fall on the ground and give a loud shriek, but lean into my friend, causing her to sidestep, almost causing us to fall. 

But we didn't thank goodness, because this all happened in less than 5 seconds. 

And it all happened right in front of this person I didn't like.

And my face went bright red, because it was all so embarrassingly funny. And I couldn't stop laughing like an idiot for some reason.

Honestly, why did my clumsy footwork have to happen then? 

Makes me look like an idiot. 

Haha.

Whatever. Maybe I should just stop trying to act cool.

Wow, this post isn't making any sense. But I thought it was a funny story.

Okay, maybe it was just funny to me...

Yeah. That's probably it. Ha!