I looked back at all my posts in 11th grade and just laughed because I though I was busy and stressed back then with "first world problem" stress.

Omg, if I only knew how stressed out I would be now I wouldn't have said anything.

For most people, it's going to college and then graduating, all the while finding your true love and getting married and sailing away on the ship of happily ever after.

That's not the case for me, because that's not how I am.

And because that's not how I am, I'm doing things differently. Almost in a taboo way.
And I'm terrified.
Because my plan doesn't include college until a little while, at least. And my plan doesn't include getting married until I'm 28 or something because getting married or being in a relationship is something I don't want to be in for a very, VERY long time.
(my mom told me I have an ice, cold heart. Heck yeah I do)
My plan will cost those around me to judge me and see me for something different--a failure, even.
I might even hurt some people with this decicion.
But this won't stop me.
But I don't give up that easily.
I will be happy.
I will go out in the world.
And I'm not going without a fight.
Because I KNOW I can make it.

{seriously}

*throws head back and laughs*
ahahahahaaaa!!!
*snaps head forward with a leering scowl*
.........

you're fake,
and I don't like you.

{post 100}

If I could tell you what my greatest passion and goal in life is,
I would tell you in an instant:
travel and be rich.

Now I know what you're thinking:
"You conceded little >>>"
And maybe I am that way at first,
but would you like to know why?

Since I was a little girl, I've wanted to see the places I've read about.
I want to travel all over, walk down every trail, and create my own stories for my own books.
I want to go places I've studied, and be awed and amazed at how much larger things are in person.
I want to eat new foods, see new cultures, and meet tons and tons of new people and to glimpse into their lifestyles.
I am a single person who is living on Earth, and I want to actually travel it.
Explore.
Go on too many yet not enough adventures.
These trips and tales I will create will generate and pulse through me like a living book just waiting to be read.
I will feel free and open and self-educated and self-inspired.
I want to travel so bad, and I will someday. I will make it happen. I will.

And to be rich.
That is sort of a sticky term in my opinion, but it's a word as some of you might perceive.
This is my term I use: financially stable.
If I could wish for one thing, it would be to never have to worry about money.
I would always know that there would be enough and a little extra.
If I could be wealthy and rich, the first thing I would do is make sure my family is okay.
Each one of my sisters would have my support. My mom and dad would have my support.
I wouldn't question it for a moment.
I know some would say, "You say this now until it actually happens. Then you'll forget."
It wouldn't happen. It's in my nature. Its a truth I found in myself that runs in my blood.
I would try to make as many people happy as I can.
Like, if I walked into a hospital and found a woman crying over her bills, I'd give her $10,000 dollars to help pay for her husbands chemotherapy sessions and I'd talk and cry with her. Kind of like Ellen DeGeneres.
Do you see now what I mean when I say I want to be "rich"/ financially stable? I would never want the use of money only for the reasons of personal splendor and selfishness. The only thing I'd want for myself is a large house for secret passages, a movie room because I love movies, and a big enough library to hold my vast collection of favorite books. Oh, and for travel. :)

I am a good person.
I may not be the smartest, but I am good.
And that's all I care about at the moment.

{wait, hold on}

yes. I'm working on it. give me some time.

{conversation}

Oh goodness, hi! Hello! I haven't seen you in a while!
Here, come over here and sit down, okay? Great.
I love your outfit, you look gorgeous!
And your hair? Couldn't look better!
You are absolutely stunning, and I really mean it.
How have you been?
No, I mean really, how have you been?
....that's not a good enough answer. How have you been feeling lately?
.......
Really?
Oh honey, I'm sorry. Tell me more.
.....
*sigh* I'm so sorry. Tell me more about how you feel. I know you have more bottled up inside of you.
......
*crooked smile* It's okay, keep talking. Are you that sad? It's okay to cry, really. Here...*wraps arms around you* It's okay, really. I'm so sorry it hurts. *hugs tightly*
It's okay to cry, don't be ashamed at all. Your pains are real, I know. I promise I'm not judging you and I won't tell anyone else. Do you want me to tell you something? Is that okay?
I know how you feel, dear. I know how hard it is. Everyone goes to heart wrenching pain, and it hurts to the core, doesn't it? *squeezes shoulder*
I'm so sorry you're in pain like this. Look, I'm crying too, see? We can cry together. Thank you for trusting me like this. *hugs tightly again*
I promise, though, it all gets better. These storms and heartaches go away. They last for a while and yes, they hurt like nothing else, but you are able to get through it, I know it. Believe me when I say this okay? You are strong. *softly smiles* Don't give me that look of doubt. You think I'm lying, huh? *chuckles* I promise you, I KNOW that you are strong, honey. I can feel it in myself, and look deep down, you can feel it in yourself, too.
You are gorgeous, okay? Please, don't ever think of yourself as not.  I've been in that exact same position. You are you, and I know you're thinking, "yeah, whatever", but don't tune me out. I'm speaking out of truth and love saying that you are BEAUTIFUL and wonderful and good. *hug and smiles* Tell me you won't forget this. When you are sad and thinking bad thoughts of yourself, remember that I will ALWAYS know that you are beautiful. It's okay to feel hurt, but it passes, it always does. Please feel just a little bit happier, okay? Smile, just a little bit, please? Smile with me- there we go! You have a beautiful smile, honestly.
I love you, okay? Please, don't forget that too. Remember that I will always love you no matter what. Thank you for talking with me. It helped me too, really. I will talk to you again, okay? See you later. *smiles, hugs one more time, and watches you walk away with a little smile on your face*.

I'm always open for heart to heart conversations if you need one. Come talk or text me, and we can talk. :)    

{post 1}

just in case you thought i died,
i haven't. ;)

so last post was about my sketch board.
and i haven't been able to actually MAKE stuff with it because of work and stuff.
but here is one of the things i have been able to finish.
I cartoonized myself :)

 sooo this....
turned into this!

I like it, personally, but there would be things that I would change.

My goal is to one day get the digital software down to a T, so I can get better and do cooler stuff. :)

{summer goals}

So guess what.
I'm getting a digital sketch board.
And I'm flippin' excited.
:D
:D
:D
:D
its on its way, and i cant even describe how excited i am to finally do some digital drawings.
i will learn A LOT, but it will be super fun.
:D
oh yeah, ps
im writing a short story :)
maybe i'll post it soon