I'm going to disable this blog after this post because bruh, 9 years ago me was hella cringe.
Current me is also cringe, but I mean, what can you do, right? 

WHAT UP WORLD 9 YEARS LATER, it's ya girl, Kayla. FROM THE FUTURE WOWEEEEE

You've seen the before, now here's the after update:

I went on a mission to North Carolina.

Came home, went to college in Idaho, got a BA in graphic design.

Now I'm chillin' in Orem, Utah. Still got me some roomies, working a big girl job at an ad agency.

Left the church last June (YEET).

Now I do drugs, I'm an alcoholic, and I'm in a thruple. 

I'm kidding, btw.
Not about leaving the church but I ain't no pothead yet. *thumbs up*
And no relationship either. I think I mentioned like...10 years ago that I probably wouldn't get married until after I turned 28? You'll be proud to know I'm still on track! :D WOW AHAHAHA
Serious relationships are for goofy goobers, and I'll die on that hill.

Uh, that's basically it. Being an adult for some time now is different, and has its perks and crappy moments. But that's life, my guy. That's how it be. 


OKAY BYEEEEEEEEEE

{TESTIMONY}

A lot has happened since the last time I posted, and I'd have to say it has been for the better.
I've graduated high school, I have two jobs, and I am doing my best to prepare for a mission.

The feelings I have had for the past couple months are indescribable.  The only way I can put it is that I am in no way really prepared to serve a mission, but it's the greatest thing I desire in my life at the moment.
I've never felt this much passion for anything in my life. It's a different feeling for when you are excited to go to Disneyland or you're waiting for a school break to come.
Going on a mission is the biggest desire I currently have, and not being able to go right now is literally killing me.

I feel that there is a HUGE dramatic change in my life because of all the positive energy I am getting from being a Latter-Day Saint. Two of my best friends have received their mission call, Facebook is either swamped with other girls my age getting their call or mission pictures from those already out, and we just had general conference which has resulted in a huge expansion of  "I'm a Mormon" ads and the "Meet the Mormons" movie has just come out. The earth is being flooded with the good gospel and with exciting news.

And the hardest part is that I'm not part of what I want to be a part of, if that makes sense. I WANT TO BE OUT. If you could see these tears that have splattered all over my keyboard just now, you'd see how bad I want to serve a mission. I want to get my call. I want to go to the temple. I want to be able to pin my tag to my shirt and sling my handbag across me that is full of papers, notes, pamphlets and Books of Mormons. I want to wake up with my companion and study. I want to meet new people. I KNOW it's not going to be easy because Satan doesn't want me to go, but the Lord does and I have every desire of serving a mission.

I just want to go.
I've wanted to go for 16 years.
I want to be Sister Higgins.
I'm doing what I can to continue to remain worthy, and I've prayed and prayed and prayed to Heavenly Father about it and and I can tell you that I NEED to go.
There are people out there I NEED to meet.
I cannot convert anyone. I don't plan on converting everyone or anyone because I can't.
But I CAN do what I CAN to help others feel the Spirit, because only the Spirit has the power of conversion to help others feel of the truth of this gospel as I have in my life.

I'm 18 years old, almost 19.
I'm working two jobs solely for my mission.
I procrastinate, I'm lazy, and I'm your typical teen in every way, except for the fact that I know The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. Every fiber in my body is tingling this very moment with MY sure testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. I WANT TO SERVE A MISSION. I WANT TO SERVE A MISSION. I NEED TO SERVE A MISSION.

Again, this church is true. I guarantee it. I promise it. I'd lay my life down this very moment for it. I am a Mormon, a daughter of god, and a future missionary, and I say these things in His name, amen.

{maybe one day, but not now}

Oh yeah, if you couldn't tell by my last post, I had some decisions to make.
Here they are, plain and true:
I'm not going to college this fall.
I'm turning in my mission papers in November.
I'm working my butt off this summer with work for $$
And I've changed my ways and am a better person.

Oh, and I'm going to travel the world.
But you already knew that, huh? ;)
oh well, that will have to wait.
I have some other things I need to take care of first.
Maybe one day I will get to travel,
but not right now.

{put me in the ring, boss}

I looked back at all my posts in 11th grade and just laughed because I though I was busy and stressed back then with "first world problem" stress.

Omg, if I only knew how stressed out I would be now I wouldn't have said anything.

For most people, it's going to college and then graduating, all the while finding your true love and getting married and sailing away on the ship of happily ever after.

That's not the case for me, because that's not how I am.

And because that's not how I am, I'm doing things differently. Almost in a taboo way.
And I'm terrified.
Because my plan doesn't include college until a little while, at least. And my plan doesn't include getting married until I'm 28 or something because getting married or being in a relationship is something I don't want to be in for a very, VERY long time.
(my mom told me I have an ice, cold heart. Heck yeah I do)
My plan will cost those around me to judge me and see me for something different--a failure, even.
I might even hurt some people with this decicion.
But this won't stop me.
But I don't give up that easily.
I will be happy.
I will go out in the world.
And I'm not going without a fight.
Because I KNOW I can make it.

{seriously}

*throws head back and laughs*
ahahahahaaaa!!!
*snaps head forward with a leering scowl*
.........

you're fake,
and I don't like you.

{post 100}

If I could tell you what my greatest passion and goal in life is,
I would tell you in an instant:
travel and be rich.

Now I know what you're thinking:
"You conceded little >>>"
And maybe I am that way at first,
but would you like to know why?

Since I was a little girl, I've wanted to see the places I've read about.
I want to travel all over, walk down every trail, and create my own stories for my own books.
I want to go places I've studied, and be awed and amazed at how much larger things are in person.
I want to eat new foods, see new cultures, and meet tons and tons of new people and to glimpse into their lifestyles.
I am a single person who is living on Earth, and I want to actually travel it.
Explore.
Go on too many yet not enough adventures.
These trips and tales I will create will generate and pulse through me like a living book just waiting to be read.
I will feel free and open and self-educated and self-inspired.
I want to travel so bad, and I will someday. I will make it happen. I will.

And to be rich.
That is sort of a sticky term in my opinion, but it's a word as some of you might perceive.
This is my term I use: financially stable.
If I could wish for one thing, it would be to never have to worry about money.
I would always know that there would be enough and a little extra.
If I could be wealthy and rich, the first thing I would do is make sure my family is okay.
Each one of my sisters would have my support. My mom and dad would have my support.
I wouldn't question it for a moment.
I know some would say, "You say this now until it actually happens. Then you'll forget."
It wouldn't happen. It's in my nature. Its a truth I found in myself that runs in my blood.
I would try to make as many people happy as I can.
Like, if I walked into a hospital and found a woman crying over her bills, I'd give her $10,000 dollars to help pay for her husbands chemotherapy sessions and I'd talk and cry with her. Kind of like Ellen DeGeneres.
Do you see now what I mean when I say I want to be "rich"/ financially stable? I would never want the use of money only for the reasons of personal splendor and selfishness. The only thing I'd want for myself is a large house for secret passages, a movie room because I love movies, and a big enough library to hold my vast collection of favorite books. Oh, and for travel. :)

I am a good person.
I may not be the smartest, but I am good.
And that's all I care about at the moment.

{wait, hold on}

yes. I'm working on it. give me some time.

{conversation}

Oh goodness, hi! Hello! I haven't seen you in a while!
Here, come over here and sit down, okay? Great.
I love your outfit, you look gorgeous!
And your hair? Couldn't look better!
You are absolutely stunning, and I really mean it.
How have you been?
No, I mean really, how have you been?
....that's not a good enough answer. How have you been feeling lately?
.......
Really?
Oh honey, I'm sorry. Tell me more.
.....
*sigh* I'm so sorry. Tell me more about how you feel. I know you have more bottled up inside of you.
......
*crooked smile* It's okay, keep talking. Are you that sad? It's okay to cry, really. Here...*wraps arms around you* It's okay, really. I'm so sorry it hurts. *hugs tightly*
It's okay to cry, don't be ashamed at all. Your pains are real, I know. I promise I'm not judging you and I won't tell anyone else. Do you want me to tell you something? Is that okay?
I know how you feel, dear. I know how hard it is. Everyone goes to heart wrenching pain, and it hurts to the core, doesn't it? *squeezes shoulder*
I'm so sorry you're in pain like this. Look, I'm crying too, see? We can cry together. Thank you for trusting me like this. *hugs tightly again*
I promise, though, it all gets better. These storms and heartaches go away. They last for a while and yes, they hurt like nothing else, but you are able to get through it, I know it. Believe me when I say this okay? You are strong. *softly smiles* Don't give me that look of doubt. You think I'm lying, huh? *chuckles* I promise you, I KNOW that you are strong, honey. I can feel it in myself, and look deep down, you can feel it in yourself, too.
You are gorgeous, okay? Please, don't ever think of yourself as not.  I've been in that exact same position. You are you, and I know you're thinking, "yeah, whatever", but don't tune me out. I'm speaking out of truth and love saying that you are BEAUTIFUL and wonderful and good. *hug and smiles* Tell me you won't forget this. When you are sad and thinking bad thoughts of yourself, remember that I will ALWAYS know that you are beautiful. It's okay to feel hurt, but it passes, it always does. Please feel just a little bit happier, okay? Smile, just a little bit, please? Smile with me- there we go! You have a beautiful smile, honestly.
I love you, okay? Please, don't forget that too. Remember that I will always love you no matter what. Thank you for talking with me. It helped me too, really. I will talk to you again, okay? See you later. *smiles, hugs one more time, and watches you walk away with a little smile on your face*.

I'm always open for heart to heart conversations if you need one. Come talk or text me, and we can talk. :)    

{post 1}

just in case you thought i died,
i haven't. ;)

so last post was about my sketch board.
and i haven't been able to actually MAKE stuff with it because of work and stuff.
but here is one of the things i have been able to finish.
I cartoonized myself :)

 sooo this....
turned into this!

I like it, personally, but there would be things that I would change.

My goal is to one day get the digital software down to a T, so I can get better and do cooler stuff. :)

{summer goals}

So guess what.
I'm getting a digital sketch board.
And I'm flippin' excited.
:D
:D
:D
:D
its on its way, and i cant even describe how excited i am to finally do some digital drawings.
i will learn A LOT, but it will be super fun.
:D
oh yeah, ps
im writing a short story :)
maybe i'll post it soon

{me}

This is me.
I'm not good at things.
I'm horrible with math and science.
I'm the worst when it comes to sports.
I can't keep my grades up worth a darn.
I'm terrible with communication skills.
I'm not skinny or thin.
I can't keep up with the the latest fashions.
I'm a lazy, procrastinating, introvert teenager.

But that doesn't mean I'm useless.

I've got my own flares.
I'm extremely creative.
I love to sing to the radio with the windows down.
I love to draw.
Reading books in my head and out loud is my passion.
I'm incredibly witty and sarcastic.
I have a strong motherly defensive side.
I love to see people smile at something I've said or done.
I can make a mean sandwich.
I enjoy the simple and unappreciated things in life.

Just because I'm not good at some things the world sees as fitting and necessary,
doesn't mean that I'm not successful.

p.s. I think I want to start writing a book. Or a short story. What do you think? Yea or nay?

{just ask}

Alright.
I found this...thing...where you can ask people questions.
And it looked like fun.

.......
so i made one. :)
http://ask.fm/Kaykay021896
Ask me questions!
Because I love to answer.
Ask me anything you want, don't hold back.
...thee end. :)
oh!.... please.

{how cruel this world can be}

This morning, a kid at my school decided that this was enough.
He had enough of his life, and decided to end it.
End it without a sound, but with a million thoughts,
all pushed back into the corners of his mind.

And forgot his family.
His friends,
His neighbors,
and those who loved him.
Who needed him.
Who cared for him.
He forgot his reason why.
Why he should stay here,
why he should be here.
why he should live.
Reasons that weren't enough.
Reasons that couldn't push him through.

And so he gave up.
Leaving only memories,
and a broken family,
broken friends,
broken neighbors,
broken people.
People, he might have not even known
but would effect with his sudden tragedy.

Torn apart by the cruelty of this world, he'd had enough.
Keeping it deeply in him mind, he'd had enough.
Walking daily, saying to himself, I've had enough.
Only thinking of how he could end his overwhelming feelings,
not thinking of how it would begin others emotional traumas.

How cruel this world can be.
Making people hate themselves.
Hate others.
Hate everything.
Wondering how to get rid of their problems.
How to end their pain
their sickness,
their losses.

How cruel we treat each other into hating ourselves and wishing we were dead.
Thinking no one cares enough if I'm here, so I might as well go.
Forever.

How cruel we are to ourselves.
Thinking that the problems and emotional stress of the world that get laced in our thoughts
can only mean that we are not strong enough.
That we are not brave enough.
That we cannot hold on.

YOLO, a statement that you only live once for fun for one person,
and you only live once for another.
But as people, we have the power to change people.
To uplift others.
To bring others up from the very lowest of lows.
We have the power to posses inner hope for others that are crying out for peace.
We have the power to keep a life here, on this solid ground, and to keep on living.

For ourselves, we have an inner power to look up
and see that there is in fact a sun behind those clouds.
That our mortal trials are yes, hard, but they are POSSIBLE.
WE HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE TO KEEP GOING...
...even when it seems unfair,
hopeless,
or even painful.

Please, I am begging. Don't look at your life as something to end because you are hurt,
in pain,
or suffering.
You have people who care for you. Who love you. Who would die for you.
Who want to HELP you.
Go to them, for they WILL help you.
Just as you would help someone in the very same position.

That's all I'm asking.
To watch out for others, and to watch yourself.

{drowning}

I haven't had a stress free week in 4 weeks.

Now, when I talk about stress, I mean the life crisis ones.
Not like, 'do I have homework or not tomorrow' kind of stress.
Its like the 'should I do the MA program? What will I do when I have to turn in my mission papers? How am I going to get a job this summer? Can I possibly do better this weekend on the ACT? How am I going to afford all this? Will this fit into my schedule for the long run? How can I get this critical appointment in? Does anyone have a gun they want to shoot me with' stress.
Yup. Those are just a few.
The sad part is, it's been affecting my sleep lately.
Usually I have a nice brain that stuffs it all away until morning.
But for the past while, it hasn't been. These thoughts swim in my head, and I have panic attacks.
Plus an occasional meltdown.
And they still won't go away.
I pray for peace and comfort, and it sort of helps, but it's still there like a tattoo imprinted in the center of my brain.
Even spring break couldn't keep away the anxiety attacks.

"In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter?"
It matters a lot.

{using time wisely}

It's spring break?
Really?
Well, I better catch up on my sleep!
Clean my room!
Do some homework!
Go and be social!

..............

nah, I'm gonna go play Zelda.

{claustrophobic}

Have I ever told you, I can get claustrophobic?

Claustrophobia:
an abnormal fear of being closed in or being in a confined space.
thank you Dictionary.com

But, I'm not that claustrophobia that you're thinking of.
Its of a different kind.
A kind where life is closing in,
and I can't go anywhere.
I get agitated, and then anxiety settles in.
I'm staying in the same motion of life,
never moving, barely breathing,
walking day in and day out as a mechanical robot.

You know what cures my, so it may seem, life claustrophobia?

Freedom,
excitement,
relaxation,
no worries.
Things that take me away from the boringly, depressing routine of my everyday life.
Things that set me as free as a bird, balloon, airplane.
But, as it seems, I'm rarely getting any dosage of the antidote.
I'm having a hard time breathing in another day,
and when I exhale, that day is gone.
Inhale,
exhale,
everyday.

maybe my wishes on stars and 11:11 will come true this week,
or next since it will be spring break.
Just maybe,
because sooner or later,
I will need a break from breathing.

  

{test}

Dear Kayla:

Heard you've had some stress lately. Little birdie going around
saying that school's a total fail and that I sucks right now

Here, take this ACT.
Hope it makes you feel better.
;)
Love,
Life

P.s.: good luck trying to find a job.
Looks like your having a hard time with that too.
Too bad I don't care.

{technical difficulties}

So for the last couple of weeks? Months? Eh, whatever.
For awhile, to those who have been reading my posts and commenting on them.
I thank you so very much!
They are all so heartwarming, and I love it when I get feedback and comments.
The only problem??
I can't type back...

What????

I've been trying to type responses back, but for some reason my computer won't let me.
Trust me my friends, I've tried everything.
So it would just tickle me pink if you continue commenting or writing little notes on my blog.
It really does make me want to keep writing. :)
But I apologize that I don't reply.
Just imagine some sarcastic, sweet and loving remark that I would say back to you. Okay?
Thanks! I love you all!

{slightly awkward}

There is a guy who I really don't like.

But I used to like.

But now I don't.

Make sense?

But there are still those awkward moments:

eye contact that was SOO not intentional,

passing by the person,

seeing the person coming down the hallway so you quickly whip out your phone and pretend like your texting someone really important.

Yeah, I admit I do that. Whatever.

But today, as I was walking to my fourth period class with my friends,

I can see him standing next to a locker.

And he was on my side of the lane.

So I start hitting my friends hand to get her attention.

She sees him and, suddenly, whips me around to her other side so I don't have to walk past him.

When I was pulled to the other side of her, a huge group of people come through and pushed my friend, who  pushed me, and that sent me into a locker: total body slam. 

And being my clumsy self, I slam into the locker and almost fall on the ground and give a loud shriek, but lean into my friend, causing her to sidestep, almost causing us to fall. 

But we didn't thank goodness, because this all happened in less than 5 seconds. 

And it all happened right in front of this person I didn't like.

And my face went bright red, because it was all so embarrassingly funny. And I couldn't stop laughing like an idiot for some reason.

Honestly, why did my clumsy footwork have to happen then? 

Makes me look like an idiot. 

Haha.

Whatever. Maybe I should just stop trying to act cool.

Wow, this post isn't making any sense. But I thought it was a funny story.

Okay, maybe it was just funny to me...

Yeah. That's probably it. Ha!  

{to you}

To all the girls with tears,
to the ones who hate,
to the ones that regret,

to the girls that cry because it hurts,
to the ones that have been broken,
the the ones that have been bruised,
to the ones who have broken trust,

to the girls with a sadness that can be unbearable,
to the ones that have experienced heartbreak at too young an age,
to the ones that should have never been hurt.

I'm deeply sorry.
You're not alone.
And you are still loved.

If you need to talk to someone,
I would love to sit and talk to you,
whomever you are.

Have a good Valentine's Day.